So now I’m currently in my bed, still very sick from this ‘bronchitis asmatis’ that the doctor told me.

It all started last week, when I had to juggle LFM duty and all the lab reports and the syukuran wisuda thingy. I was never really a health conscious person. I will postpone doctor visit or any medicine-taking for the very last moment. I was sick since Thursday last week and I just shrug it off. But turns out it got worse.

I hate being sick. I rarely skip class because of dizziness, or fever. When I’m in elementary school I got a fever of 39 degrees and I didn’t tell my mom. I went to school anyway because I didn’t like skipping class and I don’t want to be the weak sick person. And I laughed and play at school even though I feel very sick. I was sent home after the teacher found out I’m sick.

I had asthma since forever. On TPB year, one time I was sick with asthma. And you literally can hear my creepy breathing sound from across the room. And I just said I’m fine to my mom. I went to class on the 3RD FLOOR and I basically can’t breathe. The next day I can’t even breathe in from my nose. I had to use my mouth and even so I can’t breathe. I was rushed to the emergency room and the doctor basically said that if I’m 3 or 4 hours late to arrive, I can die. And I still force the doctor to inject me with the medicine, and give me oxygen so that I can go to class. I had lab that day. While I was in ER, I did my lab journal and then when I’m done with ‘infus’ I quickly rush back to campus.

Yesterday I was admitted to the ER once again. But today I had lab and I have to hand in my lab reports. So I brought a laptop and did my report while I’m in the ER. The doctor yelled at me so frequently just to rest, but I just can’t.

I can count with two hand the days that I took a sick absent from class. Elementary school, junior high, high school, and now at college, I can count it with two hand. It’s not that I’m so diligent. I skip class often. But skipping class for sickness strangely is not something that I like to do.

Why is that I wonder? I don’t know. Sometimes I think that maybe I don’t love myself enough. I don’t appreciate and value myself enough. I shrug it off because I thought ‘meh, it’s just plain old me. no big deal’. Sometimes I think that maybe it’s because I’m too ignorant. I just don’t care. For myself or others. It’s really hard to make me care about something. Last year is a breakthrough for me, because I found that I can care about two new things : my (now) ex boyfriend and my new friends at my major in college, Chemistry. When I have bad grades, I’m sad two minutes and then I forget. When somebody hurt me, usually I’m sad like a day, and then I forget. It’s the same when I hurt someone else. I just forget about it the next day or the next hour. A lot of the time when it looks like I really care about something that happen to me, it’s just me faking it.

It takes something really precious or special to make me care. Heck, I didn’t even care about myself some of the time. I can’t be expected to care about something else. And yes, the two new things I mention above that I care about, I still do care about now. Maybe I’m changing for the better, slightly less ignorant me. But I still find it hard to be happy with myself. I find it hard to love myself. No one’s ever succeed in convincing me otherwise.

Once upon a time, there was a guy who said something to me. This is what he said.

“Aku ga ngerti kenapa kamu selalu menganggap diri kamu rendah dan jelek. Untuk aku, kamu cantik. Dan kamu pinter. Kamu punya banyak kelebihan yang orang lain ga punya. Kamu satu-satunya orang yang bisa ngebuat aku sepeduli ini sama orang. Untuk aku kamu yang paling cantik. Dan aku sebenernya ga mau ngomong ini ke kamu karena aku akan sadar lagi segala hal tentang kamu dan aku akan sadar kalo aku udah kehilangan kamu”

It’s super duper corny I know. But that was the first time in my life that I felt beautiful. That was the first time I believe that I am beautiful. I believe he truly means what he said. And I believe, for the first time, that I really am beautiful.

I am an ignorant and hard to love person. I don’t even love myself. But once upon a time, there was a time when I believe that I am lovable. Once upon a time. What I will try to do from now on is to get back to that person that I am. Once upon a time, someone loved me. Hence, I feel lovable. I know that I don’t need someone else to love me first so that I can feel lovable. I can just love myself. And that will be my goal from now on. Someday, I will be happy with myself. Someday, I will.